When do you go numb?

As you may know, I’m a big fan of the reality show Survivor. I remember a season when the first person voted out was a middle-aged mom we’ll call “Rosa.”

Through a new twist in the game, she was quickly banished to a remote island, first by herself, then with other “losers,” who slowly joined her over the course of 30+ days. Not fun — and not what she had signed up for.

But here is why I remember Rosa. She was, in a word, horrid. Negative and reactive, she complained — loudly and in the worst way — at the tiniest irritations. If things didn’t go her way, she blamed anyone available. If she woke up tired, sore, or unhappy, everyone heard about it.

My visceral reaction to her was immediate and strong. Why did she feel so free to word-vomit all over everyone else? Why did it feel OK to say (loudly) anything and everything that she felt inside? And why did she feel so little responsibility for her impact on the well-being of the group?

Then (and hang in with me here), I remembered back when I was addicted to ice cream – I mean seriously addicted. Over time, I came to understand what was required to maintain this addiction, even in the face of my best intentions to “do better.”

Each time the opportunity for ice cream arose, my conscious brain had to “go numb” until I had the ice cream in hand and it was too late to change my mind. If I drove near the Dairy Barn or walked toward the freezer door, my brain would shut down for a minute, so I couldn’t question what I was doing before I did it. That was the deal that kept my addiction “safe” from change.

This is what Rosa was doing. Every time she got triggered, her brain was going numb, so her feelings — and her mouth — could have free reign, without intrusion from her conscious self – or anyone else!

To be fair, as the show went on, we got tiny glimpses into a more generous and vulnerable side of Rosa, but it was like seeing the “better” side of an addict; you know it’s there, but you can’t count on it.

Rosa was an exaggerated version of what can (and does) happen to all of us. We can become addicted to feelings (rage, sadness, etc.) or behaviors, or even stories, like “You don’t care,” “I can’t help it; this is who I am,” and “They” don’t get it.”

But we can only maintain our addiction as long as we choose to stay numb when it gets triggered. As soon as we choose to become more conscious — to interrupt the “go numb - oops, too late” cycle — the addiction begins to unravel.

It’s not easy to break the cycle of numbness, but it begins with being conscious, present, and intentional in all we do.

Addictions are handy when we don’t want to change, but numbing down tends to be contagious – and who wants to live a numb life?